Season 3 Episode 1 - Change
by fanningon
Summary: First episode of an 8 episode season 3 fanfic. if you can, read it with the suggested music. cheers m'dears


_'Wonderwall' by Oasis_

_Taking a bite out of a piece of bread was one thing. But getting naked was another. And if I couldn't do it, then it wasn't fair to Finn to get involved with him again or to be around him. _

Finn walked into the pub, the familiar smells made him smile and he saw the gang in the corner of his eye. But the only person he really wanted to see was Rae. He knew he should say hi to them, but all he did was walk up to Rae.

"How's it going?"

Rae noticed the gang looking over and pulling speculative faces, but she couldn't focus on anything but Finn.

"Ups & downs, you know?"

_How was it that he were back? _

_How was it that he were walking into the pub and smiling at me as if nothing had happened, as if nothing had changed?_

"I just wondered if we could talk, you know, about you and me?"

_Me heart were in my mouth. _

_When we talked at the hospital, it felt like nothing and everything had changed between us. I almost forgot that we weren't together anymore. I were just her man looking after her. And she was my girl. _

_That feeling, made me think that maybe, if we talked, we could work it out. Finally._

_I didn't care if we had to talk all night. _

_I didn't care if we had to talk all week._

_I were ready to do whatever it took._

_I missed her too much to not try._

"No."

_It felt like me heart had just stopped, and the pain from that threatened to cave in me chest._

"No I, I don't think that's a good idea."

_Won't you at least try Rae? I'll beg…_

"I don't think talking's a good idea."

She turned from him and Finn felt tears sting his eyes. His whole being felt desolate, and he knew it was truly over. She didn't feel for him the way he did for her.

_I should have stayed in Leeds._

He watched her pick up her bag. He'd always watched her leave, and he supposed that this time would be no different, except in its permanency.

But she didn't walk away from him, she turned back to him and held out her hand.

"Come on Finn."

He looked at her hand and back up at her face. He looked back down at her hand placed his hand in hers. She felt warm and a smile started to creep across his face.

"Let's go back to my place."

He looked up at her face, not believing, but he saw no teasing in her eye.

"Your place?"

"Aye, Mum and Karim are staying in hospital tonight with the baby. You want to have an exclusive sleepover?"

He felt his grin widening.

"How exclusive?"

"I'm only gonna invite you Finn, you fancy it?"

He tried to play it down by shrugging, but his eyes and the smile on his face screamed 'yes'.

"Oh you know, I suppose."

They walked out of the pub to the sounds of the jeers, cheers and laughter of the gang. Finn felt like his head was light, just like the first night they'd gotten together.

He knew that even though Rae had indicated that they wouldn't be talking, that they were probably going over to Rae's place to talk the night away anyway, but part of him couldn't help but hope that more would happen. He'd been waiting a long time for Rae.

_I'll wait as long as it takes for her. _

He didn't have a spare helmet so he carefully placed his own helmet on her head and strapped it under her chin. He took off his jacket and handed it to her, so she was protected if there was an accident. She knew too well than to argue with him on this, even though it left him helmetless and in a shirt. There were few things in this world that Finn Nelson was vehemently adamant about, but one of them was Rae's safety on his bike.

_I felt her hands go around me waist and thought like I might jump out me own skin. She scooted forward on the bike so that she were pressed against me back._

"You trying to make me crash, girl?" She just laughed in his ear and held him tighter.

Everywhere she touched him tingled and he felt himself wanting to kiss her, to touch her.

The bike roared to life and he pulled out of the parking lot, headed toward Miss Rae Earl's home.

He watched her walk towards the front door, but stayed near his motorbike; an agony of indecision.

Part of him was aching to go inside and not talk, but he also knew that they had to talk.

"Rae," She turned to him, her eyes still determined. "Are you sure about this? Don't you think we need to talk?"

"Our relationship were pretty good weren't it?"

"Happiest I've been in… well, me whole life."

"Our… our…" She struggled to think of the words, "stumbling block… were that I couldn't be seen naked. I have to do it now, cos I'm still not sure that I can do it. And I need to try… not just for you Finn. But for me."

_In the caravan, I'd been so excited to finally have sex with her. Me whole body had been on fire._

_I remember her hands shooting up to mine when I undid her top. I remember her stopping me. I thought it were me. Had I moved too fast? When she came out of the bathroom… I don't know how to say it, but… there was this… distance there. She were pulling away from me. And she kept pulling away over the next few weeks, falling further and further away, no matter how hard I tried to hold on to her. And then we were through. And I was empty. _

Finn realised that this moment would be the making or breaking of them. If he went in there with her, he'd know whether they could be together or not. If she could let herself be naked, everything would be alright. But if she couldn't, it was over, there was no chance. Other thoughts tried to push their way into his head, the need for them to talk was a persistent thought. Also that basing an entire relationship of one thing like this was a dangerous idea. He looked at her face for clues as to what he should do, how he should feel. The strength, the fear, the vulnerability in her eyes, but it was her need – she needed for him to do this for her. Even if a large part of him was worried that it might be a bad idea, she needed this.

_I need to try… not just for you Finn. But for me._

_She needs this, she needs me._

_Ok._

He pushed down all of his fears and worries, all of the countering arguments his mind had brought up.

He'd always do what she needed.

"Alright girl."

He wiped his palms on his jeans as she closed the front door behind them.

He reached out hesitantly and put a hand on her waist. She took his hand off her waist, and led him to the stairs.

_Is it a good sign that she's leading me straight upstairs, or a bad sign that she didn't want me to touch her? _

_Maybe she just wants to be naked, and there'll be no touching?_

Finn's mind worked over that for a moment.

_That'd be both brilliant and torturous. _

When they got to the top of the stairs, Finn turned to Rae's room and she pulled him towards her mum's room.

"It's not me room anymore."

She opened the door to the larger bedroom. She put her keys on the side and turned to look at Finn.

"What do you think?"

"I quite like it. It's big. The ensuite's got a good sized shower and bathtub." He nodded towards the ensuite. "Can't believe you've got an ensuite."

"I know. It's posh innit? Mum and Karim decided I needed more space to myself cos of the baby. So… they gave me this."

"It's nice."

They stood in silence. Finn's hands fidgeting with each other, his eyes never leaving hers. He noticed her chest rising with each deep breath.

They both knew how important this moment was.

_She don't want to start either. She's as scared as me that it'll all turn to shite. _

_What if she can't do it? And then she thinks we can't be together?_

_What if I'm not the one that she can do it for?_

"I'm quite nervous."

"What are you nervous for?" She started to laugh, but the mirth left her quickly. They both knew why he was nervous too.

She looked down and pursed her lips. He knew that she was building up the courage, and he waited for her. She looked up at him and stepped forward and put her fingertips on his stomach, sliding them down until they found the waistband of his pants. She pulled him to her and he looked up at her, seeking her approval before touching her face.

His nerves seemed to fade as soon as his fingertips touched her face and he felt her lean her face into his hand.

"I've missed you Finn." Her voice sounded so fragile. His other hand raised to her face and he leaned in to kiss her, but she pulled back, one tear dawdling down her face. She took her jacket off and put it on the table. Finn took his own jacket off and waited, watching her for his cues. She bent and took her shoes off and he matched her.

And then she stalled. Her hands resting on the hem to her shirt. Finn stepped forward and put his hands on her arms, he pulled her closer, so that their lips were nearly touching.

"I've missed you too." He whispered to her. She nodded and her hands started to move. But it was his jeans she was taking off, not her own clothes.

Finn started to feel his stomach sink.

_Maybe she can't do it._

_Say something Finn. _

_Tell her you don't care, tell her you don't need to have sex until she's ready and you'll wait forever if that's what it takes. Tell her you want to be with her anyway. Tell her she's your light and your warmth. _

He pulled her into his arms trying to tell her all of this with the way he held her. She pulled away gently and his jeans slid to the floor. He raised his hands to her shirt and she stopped him, motioning to his jeans. He stepped out of them.

_I'm in me boxers and a shirt, and she's still fully dressed._

_It's not gonna happen. _

_Do something Finn!_

He raised his hands to her shirt again and she stopped him again.

_Let her know it's ok if she won't be naked, let her know you still love her anyway._

He leaned in to kiss her and she pulled away again.

"I just have to freshen up." She said quietly and turned to the ensuite without looking back. The door closed and Finn thudded onto the bed.

_Nothing's changed. _

_She still can't do it. _

_And when she comes out of there, we'll both know that it's over._

_I don't want her to come out. _

_I just want to stay in this moment, where I still got hope. _

_Maybe she just needs to pee Finn. Relax. _

_Yeah but she wouldn't take her clothes off. She can't get over this… stumbling block. And she thinks that means we can't be together. Knock on the door and tell her that's rubbish. _

_Give her some fucking space. _

His whole body was shaking and he watched his fingers fidgeting with themselves.

He waited.

_She been gone a long while._

_Maybe she don't want to come out either. Maybe she's holding on to that hope too?_

_Maybe she's fucking sick Finn – just chill._

_Fuck._

_Waiting is torture._

_I won't want to look when she opens that door, cos I'll see the tears on her face, and I'll know it's over. _

_This seems like such a stupid thing to end the happiest thing of my life for!_

_But it's not to her. _

_This is important to her. So stop. Wait. _

_Just wait. _

_It was too hard to imagine having to take each item of clothing off in front of him, it'd be like a dozen little reveals. And I didn't really want to reveal any of me. Plus imagine trying to get me tights off in front of him. I'd look like a fucking slapstick comedian. _

She sat down on the edge of the bathtub.

_I wanted this more than anything I'd wanted in my whole life. I had to find a way._

Rae stared desperately around the room for an answer; towels on the towel rack, a shower scrubber, moisturiser on the basin, some dirty clothes in the corner, her rainbow bathrobe hanging on a hook on the back of the door, the was nothing useful in the ensuite. She just stared at the door, and hoped that something would come to her.

He sat staring at the wall, biting the cuticles around his nail. Sometimes he made them bleed when he was nervous.

_I won't look at the door when she opens it. I don't want to know if it's over. I can't._

He heard the door open and immediately looked, silently cursing himself.

But she'd changed out of her clothes and was wearing that bathrobe of hers.

And he knew.

_She's gonna do it. _

His whole body lit up as he stood and went to her.

"You're right, this is much better than talking."

"Yeah well, when I say to be continued, I mean to be continued."

_All my fear, it were gone just like that. _

_I realised that for the months I'd been without her I'd been so alone and so afraid._

_But she were gonna save me from that. She were gonna save me from myself. _

_It were actually gonna be alright. _

_Oh fuck but me hands are shaking. And me knees feel weak. _

Finn pulled his shirt off.

_I'm with you girl. _

He steadied his hands, the fidgeting in his fingers stopped, and he looked up to her face to make sure she was still alright. He reached out to the bathrobe tie.

_It's like the entire world has stopped. Or that time has spread out to be so slow, that it feels like it's stopped… Everything is holding its breath. Our moment has finally come. _

His fingertips touched the tie, and almost instantly her hands snapped up to his.

The world crashed back into Finn's reverie.

_Oh no. _

_No._

_Rae, please don't._

He could see the fear in her eyes.

_Tell her that we can talk tonight and try this tomorrow. Or the next day, or next year. Tell her it don't matter Finn. Tell her you love her Finn! Just say those words! Maybe if she knows how much you love her, she'll be ok?_

The pain of this moment was blinding. But even through his own torture, he could see the strength flooding into her. And he understood.

It would be ok.

It was a winding path they had to walk. But they'd get there. But this time, it wasn't him that had to take the steps. This was hers. It belonged to her.

She lowered his hands and then with that braveness of hers that Finn had always admired so much, she undid the bathrobe herself. He put his hands up to her face, felt the familiar joy of tangling his fingers in her hair and watched a small, frightened, but brave smile touch her lips. Slowly he lowered his hands to the collar of the robe, watching for any sign from her that she was not alright he carefully slid the bathrobe off her shoulders. She let it fall to the floor with trepidation, but no attempt at stopping it.

He slid his hands into the waist of his boxers and let them slide to the floor.

They stood opposite each other. Finally naked together.

Finn felt his happiness creeping back into every cell in his body, mingled with his admiration for her. He touched her face again, and saw relief in her eyes.

He leaned in to kiss her, and she matched him.

The kiss was soft, slow and filled with their need for each other. Their lips pressed harder against each other's their tongues tasting each other

_There is nothing in this world but her lips. Her mouth. The way her tongue slides over me own. The way her lips press into mine. _

_Her kiss is the only thing in my entire universe. _

_I will never have enough_

_Her mouth. _

_Her mouth._

Finn had to stop, he was breathless.

Their eyes met and Finn slowly let his hands move from her face to her neck, he felt her trembling as he left one hand on her jawline and let the other travel down the smooth skin of her chest to her full breasts.

_She's so afraid I won't like her. _

_I wish she could see how much I do._

He kept his eyes on her as he let his hand continue travelling down her body, to the soft curves of her hips and the silky fleshiness of her stomach.

An impish grin lit up his face as his fingertips found her pubic hair and slid through it to find the opening between her labia.

Her fear was slowly being replaced by desire as Finn kept his eyes on hers and slowly circled a finger around her clitoris. His other hand gently stroking her face.

_I ached to look at her body. From what I could feel it were magnificent. But one step at a time. Don't rush her. Keep your eyes on her eyes._

_Oh fuck, look at the way she's looking at me. _

_So fucking sexy._

The look on Rae's face made it very clear that she wanted him.

He stopped, took his hand away from her vagina and brought his fingers to his mouth.

She gave the smallest gasp of desire when she saw him lick her juices off his fingers.

"Let's go to the bed, yeah?" He asked as he started to lead her to it by the hand.

They laid down on the bed next to each other, Finn leaned over her and he remembered the last time they'd been in this position.

"Do you want to get me some red cabbage?" He said cheekily to her as he snaked his hand down her body. She laughed and bit her bottom lip as he slid first one and then the second finger inside of her. An appreciative gasp escaped from her throat as he used his thumb to stroke her clitoris while moving his fingers in and out of her. He stroked her hair and kissed her mouth, feeling the way her hips moved unconsciously, to be in synchronicity with his movements.

He saw her hands clench around the bed sheet as she grew close.

"Sh!" He started to chuckle as her moan grew louder.

_The neighbours'll fucking hear!_

He was intensely pleased with himself as he heard her moan louder still; the tone growing urgent. Her hands clenched the bed and she arched her back, her eyes rolled back. He sped up, pushing his fingers deeper. And the urgency in her voice escalated, her hips moving faster in response.

"Finn!" She moaned, and he felt her vagina constrict around his fingers, her whole body shuddering in pleasure, her head thrown back, her eyes closed.

A huge grin lit his face as he allowed himself to quickly look down her body, writhing in pleasure.

He saw her breasts heaving with her loud orgasm, her full hips thrust up and her round stomach quivering with pleasure. He saw her creamy skin, the darker skin around her nipples, her bushy pubic hair… and heard her breathlessness, felt her orgasm ending and knew he had to look away.

He wanted to explore her body in intense detail. But for now, what she needed was his eyes on her eyes.

Her cheeks were pink and sweat was beading on her forehead.

"What you grinning at?" She tried not to pant. He shrugged but grinned wider before biting his bottom lip.

"I like the way you sound when you cum." He said, not able to hide his own excitement. She reached her hands up and pulled his face to hers.

_Her lips are like pure electricity. _

He felt her hands exploring his body and was surprised to feel himself shaking with nerves and anticipation.

_Her hands on me is like nothing else. _

A guttural groan seeped from his lips as her fingers found and then closed around his penis.

He kissed her urgently as she started to stroke his cock. He pressed his lips hard against hers, his tongue exploring every part of her mouth.

He ran his hand up her thighs and gently prodded her to open her legs wider for him. He felt the sensitive skin around her inner thighs and traced his fingers around the outside of her vagina.

He stopped kissing her and watched her face as he positioned himself between her thighs.

"You right?" He asked softly.

"Yeah." She answered equally as softly.

They both smiled. There was triumph in their smiles; knowledge that the pain of their past had been overcome.

He reached down and guided his cock towards her.

He slid slowly inside of her, going as deep as he could, the feeling of her hips coming up to meet him sending shivers of pleasure down his spine.

_The feeling of love I have for her hit me then. _

_And it hit me hard. _

_All the cheekiness, the fun, the sexiness was muted. It were serious. I were making love for the first time. _

_I'd fucked before. _

_But this were different. _

_If you'd asked me how it were different, I'd have been hard put to give you the right words. _

_All I could think as I felt her envelope me was that I loved her more than anything. _

_I'd do anything for her. There was nothing that was too much. _

_I completely, and utterly, belonged to her. _

_And I'd never felt that way before. _

_I were built for her. Put here for her. _

_I was hers. _

Finn leaned down and kissed Rae trying to tell her about all the love her possessed for her with his lips pressing against her lips.

_If only I could explain this to her._

_If only I could find the right words._

_'I love you' seems so weak – it don't do it justice. _

He moved his hips slowly, purposefully, with the intention of staying as deeply inside of her as possible. The fact that her hips were grinding out a similar intention did nothing for his intentions of lasting long enough to make her come again.

Rae's hands slid up his back and held his body to hers.

He could feel her breasts pressed against his chest. Her thighs pressing into his hips. Her skin on his skin. Their thrusts in rhythm, their heartbeats keeping time. The salt, the sweat on their bodies mixing. Her breath mingling with his. The sounds she made; the gasps, sighs, moans, her breath shivering as it left her mouth.

When he didn't kiss her he looked at her face. The way her eyelashes caressed her skin as she moved her eyes to look at him. The way her nostrils flared momentarily with pleasure. The shape of her mouth, the way her lips moved as she groaned. Pleasure left its exquisite mark all over her face.

He lost himself. His sense of being a single entity was gone. His entire being only existed within this moment shared with Rae.

He thought he might drown if he didn't kiss her – it was a desperate need to have his lips on hers.

He realised that his mind was acutely aware of multiple things; the feel of sliding in and out of her, the sensation of her body moving under his, every place she touched him was on fire, her face, her mouth. He was acutely aware of everything about her.

_It was like seeing her in a new way, more naked than just not having clothes on. _

_I saw her. Really saw her. _

_Every cell in my body was alive and filled with Rae Earl._

He felt electricity spreading out from his groin. Felt that familiar ache in his balls. Knew that he was close, he thrust harder, deeper, faster.

Rae's moan was coupled with her fingers digging into his back her head rolling back in pleasure and her hips pushing back as hard as he pushed into her.

He felt his innards grow tense.

_Oh my_

"Fucking god!"

The pleasure was so intense he thought his whole body might implode with it.

He cried out as he felt himself explode into her. He held her closer to him and pushed himself deeply into her as his orgasm shuddered through his body. He felt her holding him tightly, pulling him into her, moaning loudly too.

His breath came in ragged gasps and he slid his hands under her back and held her close to him, burying his face in her neck.

His body heaved for several minutes but he stayed there, still inside of her, their bodies pressed together.

Slowly his sense of himself returned and he realised,

"Oh fuck Rae, am I too heavy?"

"No you're fine."

He'd been lying on her, holding her close, not supporting his own weight.

"I mean, it's hard to breathe, but I don't want you to move."

"I'm sorry!" he slid his arms out from under her and propped himself up, staying between her legs, and slowly kissed her.

_I think I could happily die between Rae's thighs. _

He laid down beside her and she rolled onto her side to face him. He moved closer and draped his arm over her.

"I think I've really changed Finn. I think we're gonna be ok."

"I don't want you to think you have to change to be with me."

"No but I do. You don't want crazy Rae do you?"

"I'd take you as mad as they come."

She kissed him and moved closer so that their foreheads rested together.

"I'm glad you're back."

"I never really left. Me mind were always here. With you."

_The way she smiles at me does me in._

_I'm yours girl. _

He kissed her again, again hoping that the emotion he felt would be translated into his kiss.

"Am I right to stay tonight, or do you want me to go?"

"No, stay."

"Alright Miss Earl. If you insist."

She fell asleep a few moments later and Finn watched her sleep for a while.

_God, she's so perfect. _

_I can't believe how lucky I am. _

He stroked her face.

"Finn." She murmured.

_Me insides are buzzing. Even when she's asleep, I'm the one she's thinking of. _

He hugged up closer to her and enjoyed the feel of having her in his arms again.

_I never thought that I'd get to hold her again._

_Don't forget one second of tonight Finn._

Sometime later his eyes slowly shut and he slept more peacefully than he had in months.

_'Been Caught Stealing' by Jane's Addiction_

"Rae! Are you in here?" Her mum was knocking on the door.

Rae started awake, her eyes fell on Finn lying on his stomach, slowly stirring from sleep, his glorious naked body stretched out across her bed, one of his arms draped across her.

_Oh shit! What is she doing home so early? _

Rae looked over at the clock.

_9 am?_

_What the fuck happened? _

_Oh fuck, she's opening the door._

"Yeah mum, I'm naked don't open the door!" Rae searched for the blankets; they'd been kicked under the bed, and dragged them up over her and Finn as he rolled onto his side, awake now.

_Fuck, why the fuck did I say that?_

Her eyes fixed on Finn's.

"Busted." He whispered to her with a conspiratorial grin.

"It's not like I haven't seen it before!" Linda started to open the door and Rae pushed Finn under the blankets.

"Mum!"

"Still in bed at this hour?"

"I had a late night!"

"And since when do you sleep naked?"

"Oh you know." Rae shook her head and tried to look inconspicuous.

Linda crossed the room and opened the curtains, she turned back to Rae and instantly saw that Rae was not alone in the bed.

She paused, unsure how to feel. She put he hands on the table behind her. And then folded them in front of her.

"Who's under the blankets?" She finally said, her voice calmer than she felt.

_Oh shit._

"No one. What you talking about mum?" Rae's voice was higher pitched than normal.

Linda sat down on the bed next to Rae. As she sat, Rae had to pull the blankets hard to keep them above her breasts.

"I'm not angry Rae. It was bound to happen eventually. We all have sex."

"Mum!"

"Even I have sex. That might surprise you."

"Not really."

"Sex is a natural thing." Linda kept looking ahead, not able to look at her daughter, unsure what to feel at all.

"I know mum."

"And I knew that eventually you'd have sex."

"Thanks mum."

_I wish she'd stop saying sex. It felt wrong having me mum sit on the bed that Finn and I had had sex in and were still lying nakedly in, banging on about sex._

Rae's cheeks went red as she thought about Finn lying naked, just inches away from her mother. She felt him trying not to laugh, and squeezed his hand hard to try and shut him up.

"I just hope that whoever he is deserves you my baby girl." Linda started to tear up. "You're a woman now." She hugged Rae.

"Oh my god mum."

"And this boy that you had sex with…" her voice was getting shriller with emotion, "I hope he's good enough for you. And if he was good enough for you, he wouldn't feel like he had to hide in the morning. He'd be proud to be seen with you."

Rae heard him sigh resignedly. And it was obvious that her mum had too because she turned to watch as Finn emerged from the blankets.

" 'morning Mrs-"

"You can call me Linda, Finn. If you're having sex with my little girl I think we're on a pretty personal level now."

"Mum!" Rae interjected loudly. Finn blushed and lowered his eyes.

"Don't you 'Mum' me, Rachel Earl. If you're going to have sex you have to live with the consequences!"

"Kind of like having a baby?"

"Yes. Like having a baby." She almost shrieked; "oh my god Rae! Are you using contraception? Are you even dating or are you just giving it out to anyone?"

"Oh my god Mum!"

"We're dating." Finn answered, his cheeks red.

"Alright." That seemed to calm Linda down, she looked from Finn to Rae, "and what about contraception." She watched as Finn looked uncomfortably at Rae.

"Right. Well we're going to have to talk."

"Can we get dressed Mum?" Rae asked angrily, her face red with embarrassment.

She passed her eyes from Rae back to Finn.

"We'll talk over breakfast. Agreed?"

Rae and Finn nodded reluctantly.

She stood up and left the room without looking back. Rae put her head in her hands.

"She's so embarrassing."

"Nah she's alright. Could've been much worse. I've been kicked out of a girls' house starkers before. Your mum's one of the nice ones."

_He'd been naked in other girls' rooms._

_Of course I knew that he had. But it hurt to hear it. _

_I felt self-conscious of his hand on my thigh. _

_But look at his smile. He looks so happy._

He leaned forward for a kiss.

"You want a morning breath kiss?"

"I want every kind of Rae Earl kiss there is."

_His happiness was infectious, and his kiss was as smouldering as it ever had been. _

_The way he kissed me – I knew he wanted me. I knew he didn't think of those other girls like he thinks of me. _

_I felt his hands on my breasts and his urgency increasing as we fell back onto the bed._

"Fancy a quickie?" He asked with a big grin.

"Alright, but we gotta be quiet."

"Oh, you're saying that to me? Have you heard yourself?" He laughed as he kissed her again.

"Shut up you cheeky bastard!" She laughed through his kisses. He was inside of her before she'd finished the sentence.

_We fucked. _

_Not like how me and Liam fucked. That were pretty one sided. _

_This was much better._

_There's an animal in Finn Nelson._

_And I like it. _

_He kept his eyes on mine and fucked me hard and fast, his hand reached down and rubbed my clitoris while he hammered into me. _

_It were fucking brilliant. _

_When I came I had to bite his shoulder to stay quiet. _

_He came at pretty much the same time I did. I think he were holding back until I came._

_He's so considerate. _

"Come shower with me. Help brace ourselves for what's waiting for us downstairs." He chuckled and jumped out of the bed, holding his hand to her.

_Oh my god. Look at his body. The way the sun shines on his skin._

_He's perfect._

_And last night he made love to me._

_And this morning he fucked me like a rabid animal._

_I were right about him, he is a sex wizard. _

_It's so hard to not just keep staring at him. _

_Is…?_

_Is he peeing?_

Rae stood at the door to her ensuite watching Finn's back with wide, shocked eyes as lifted up the seat to the toilet and peed.

"What are you doing?" She asked, bewildered.

"Isn't it obvious?" He asked looking over his shoulder.

"I thought… you might want to close the door for that?" He shook his head and dropped the seat before flushing.

"How hot do you like it?" He asked as he turned the taps on in the shower.

"Um… pretty hot."

"Good, me too." He kissed her again. Rae looked at the toilet and back at Finn, his smiling face watching her.

"Um… I need to pee."

"Yep." He turned, picked up her soap and smelled it before putting it down.

"Can you-"

"I'm ok. You can go." He said as if she were asking if he were ok with her peeing, rather than asking him to give her some privacy. He stepped into the shower and looked back cheekily at her, "don't be too long though, I'll get lonely."

"Finn… I'm not-"

His head popped out of the shower. And the look on his face had changed for chipper to understanding.

"I won't look at you Rae, and I can't hear you in here. Alright?" He kissed her hard and then closed the door to the shower. Rae turned around in the ensuite looking at the toilet.

_Ok. So this was taking the relationship to a whole new level that I was not entirely expecting. _

_He's so cheeky and happy this morning. _

_I like it._

She sat down on the toilet, warily eyeing the shower. He didn't re-appear and she felt relatively safe that she had some kind of privacy.

_When I opened the shower door he had soap suds all over his body and he was facing the wall._

_Look at that arse. I could weep. I could also reach out and touch it._

_I mean couples who pee together could just reach out and touch each other's arses right?_

He turned, beaming at her, and pulled her into the shower.

"Alright Finn." She giggled as he pulled her to him.

_I don't even know how to handle so much happiness. That gorgeous, stupid grin just won't leave his face. I wonder if this is what it'd be like to live with him. _

He handed her the soap and kissed her. As she took the soap, she looked at his shoulders with lust.

"Oh my god Finn, what happened to your shoulder?"

A large angry bruise was forming on his left shoulder.

"Well. I was shagging this brazen hussy this morning" he smiled impishly, "she just couldn't keep her hands off me. And when she came, she bit me shoulder." He pecked her lips chastely and gave her a teasing look.

_Something about him calling me a brazen hussy made me feel sexy. But I felt quite bad about the bruise on his shoulder, it did look pretty nasty. _

"I'm sorry!" He shrugged his shoulders in response, the smile never leaving his lips. He sniffed his already soapy armpits and pulled a face.

"What do you want to do today?" He asked as he took the soap back off her and soaped up his armpits again.

"Um… well I'm looking forward to a pointless lecture and, or, sex education class from me mum."

"Oh yes, that'll be fun."

"After that, I've got no plans. It's Saturday, I have a whole weekend free." She said suggestively.

"Well I think me dad might want some company today for lunch. Wanna come?"

_I just can't help but feel happy when he's smiling so much. _

_But being happy also makes me feel worried. Cos you know something's gonna happen to kill it. _

_Oh… Oh… he's grabbing me, he's kissing me neck… hmmmm_

"You had sex again before you came down here didn't you?" Linda asked annoyed.

"Twice." Finn answered seriously. Linda opened her mouth in surprise.

"How could you tell?" Rae asked outraged at her mother keeping such a close eye on them, and deeply embarrassed too.

"Well the light fitting swaying back and forth was the first give away." She was equally outraged. "But it was listening to the floorboards creak in rhythm that really gave it away."

"I had to listen to you and Karim hump like rabbits for months when I first got outta hospital!" Rae countered.

"Well this is my house, I can have sex when I want."

"Well so can I!"

"No you can't!"

"Mum! When we have sex isn't your business!"

"You're under my roof so it is my business!" Linda waved her finger at Rae.

"Ok well, fine – I'll stay at Finn's house!"

"Are his parents going to pay all your bills? Well Finn, will they?"

Finn looking slightly out of his depth opened his mouth to respond but got no words out before Linda was continuing

"If you want to go around being irresponsible and doing whatever you want Rachel Earl, then you need to move out and pay your own bills!" Linda yelled.

"Fine I will!" Rae yelled back as equally loud, but with tears coming into her eyes. Finn knew he had to interject somehow.

"That's not what I'm trying to say Rachel. I'm just trying to get you to be careful. With your body and with your heart."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Linda looked sideways at Finn before shaking her head.

"Just that your first love isn't always your only love."

"I know that." Rae answered, realising that her mother thought Finn might leave her.

"Regardless of that!" Linda said, wanting to change the topic after seeing the realisation and subsequent hurt on Rae's face. "Are you using contraception?" She stormed off into the kitchen, not waiting for an answer. She came back with a condom and a banana.

"Oh you've got to be fucking joking."

"Rachel Earl, don't you swear at me. I am going to teach you how to put a condom on this banana, so that you don't end up getting pregnant when you don't want to!"

"Kinda like you? Twice."

Linda looked at Rae, the sting of what Rae had said clear on her face.

"This is a great idea Rae, your mum can see that I know how to use condoms, and she'll feel better." Finn tried to rescue the situation.

"Mum I'm on the pill!" Rae countered Finn.

"But you don't know what diseases are out there." Linda was calmer now, but just as determined as before.

"Yeah but I've always used condoms in the past, so I know I'm clean, and Rae… You're clean right?" Finn didn't know if he was her first, and the thought suddenly struck him. If he wasn't he didn't want to cause her anymore trouble with her mum by talking about it now, but if he was… he felt absurdly pleased with the idea and then disappointed with himself for that.

"Yeah I'm clean." Rae was scarlet red with shame.

"Right, and we're going out… so we're exclusive, yeah?"

"Yes." Rae smiled at him, she realised he was trying to settle the situation. And she loved him for it.

"So, Linda," Finn took the banana and condom carefully from her, "I'm making sure I look after your daughter," He said as he opened the condom and expertly rolled it over the banana. "Because I really like Rae, I care about her more than I care about myself."

Linda nodded shrewdly.

"What do you mean by 'always used condoms in the past' Finn Nelson? Are you not using them now with my daughter? Is that how you show that you care about her? You don't care about her more than the pleasure of your own dick!"

"Mum!" Rae was horrified.

"It's alright Rae, she's your mum, she just wants to know you're ok." He turned back to Linda. "Rae's the first girl I haven't used them with. As she said, she's on the pill, so we both thought it were ok."

_But the truth was that we hadn't talked about this at all. We'd just fallen into bed together. And I could see he was blushing, both from embarrassment and the shame he felt. _

Linda sucked her teeth for a moment, looking really unimpressed.

"Well there's not much I can do about it now is there?" She said after a moment.

"Not really." Rae answered equally unimpressed.

"Are you staying for breakfast Finn?"

"If you don't mind." He answered, slightly scared. She nodded curtly and went to the kitchen.

"Your mother is a force to be reckoned with." He leaned over to Rae and whispered.

"I know."

"You too though." He said, impressed,

"Oi!" She laughed.

"I'm sorry I didn't ask you about protection, it were selfish.

"No it's ok, I were prepared."

"Lucky." He smiled as he let his fingers trace words on her thighs. _'I want you.'_

She smiled and kissed him.

"You didn't have to do that, you know, answer all her questions."

"Yeah I did. She were upsetting you. It's my job to look after you, you're my girl. Besides, if we play nicely, she might let me stay overnight in your bedroom."

_I am not only dating a sex wizard, but a kind, compassionate genius, who's got my back. _

_I love him so much. _

_Is it too soon to tell him I love him?_

_It feels a bit desperate and stalker-ish._

_Maybe I'll just stare at him lovingly for a bit. _

_Me dad were embarrassingly happy to see Rae._

Gary Nelson took Rae into his arms and held her for a good long moment.

"I'm SO glad to see you Rae. So glad."

"Alright?" She smiled nervously as she pulled out of the hug.

Rae looked sideways at Finn as Gary took her into his arms again, and then grabbed Finn and made it a group hug.

"Leave off dad."

"I'm just happy you're home." He hugged Finn again and bit his bottom lip as he looked at Rae, "I'm so happy you're here too Rae."

"Thanks." Rae said bewildered.

"Let's eat!" Gary bellowed excitedly.

"Oh!" Rae jumped at his loud proclamation, "yeah. There we go!" She laughed as he guided her to the dining room. Finn walking beside her, shaking his head in disbelief at his father's behaviour.

"I paid Mary to come round and cook all your favourite food." He said as he opened the dining room door.

"Dad… there's enough food here to feed the whole country."

"Gotta make sure you're well fed. I think I made you make your own food too much before. So Mary agreed to come round a few times a week to cook something nice for you."

"Dad it's fine." Finn tried to mend the damage that him leaving had done, rather inarticulately, leaving the room silent for a moment.

"Rae, try some of the roast pork!" Gary handed her a plate and set about to cutting some pork for her.

"Thanks. How's everything going Mr Nelson?"

"Please Rae, call me Gary."

"Gary."

"Well, we've almost finished unpacking Finn, and you're here, so it's just the school we've got left to crack."

_I'm here? Was I on Gary's list of things to fix in Finn's life?_

_Bloody hell._

"Will they let you back in?" Rae was concerned.

"They said I was away for too long. Might have to repeat second year."

"We'll see if they'll let you take some make up tests." Gary answered with determination.

"I'm not worried dad."

"Listen Finn, I'm thinking of cancelling the overnight conference. Maybe I should just stay this weekend and help you finish unpacking."

"No dad, I was kinda hoping Rae would help me." Finn answered awkwardly.

"Oh? Oh right. Ok then." He winked at Rae and served up more food.

_I'm not sure which parent was more embarrassing. But Gary was kinda sweet, especially cos he made Finn squirm in his seat so much._

_I still struggled to eat in front of people but Finn was counting on me, and Gary was really excited I was there. _

_So I ate. _

_And it was ok. _

_They didn't seem to judge me when I wanted a second serve of the roast potatoes. And I've never seen anyone put as much food away as Finn does. He ate more food in one sitting, than I eat in a day. And he still went downstairs for a sandwich after we'd shagged in his bedroom. _

_His father went to the conference after lunch, and we had the place to ourselves for the rest of the weekend._

_It were sexed up bliss._

_Still not used to him peeing in front of me though._

_Boys are weird. _

_'Beautiful Freak' by Eels_

Archie always enjoyed it when the sun shone down on winter mornings.

He stopped at the lights and stretched, feeling happy.

_Mondays are normally shite. But this was the last Monday of school before the Christmas break, and we had truly outdone ourselves with planning the festivities for Rae's birthday. _

He'd spent a good deal of last night on the phone to Finn organising the final details.

He'd managed to talk to Linda this morning before Rae was out of bed. Apparently the baby crying all of last night had kept everyone awake. Linda had answered the door looking frazzled and exhausted.

Archie had explained the plan, and, as per Chloe's advice, informed her that it was already mostly paid for.

Linda had agreed almost instantly, Archie wasn't sure if it was because the baby was sleeping and she wanted him to go away before he woke her up or if she genuinely didn't mind or even thought it was a good idea. He didn't really care either way.

_Thank fuck school is nearly over. _

_I don't like college without Finn there. _

_Still, nothing is going to ruin my good mood today. Last week of school._

And suddenly someone punched him in the back of the head. Archie fell forward onto his hands and knees. His innards reeling with fear.

Simmy was standing over him.

"Hey fag. Got AIDS yet?"

"Fuck off Simmy." Archie scrambled to his feet, his head pounding.

"I'm gonna bash your brains in Archie boy."

Archie backed away, and looked up and down the street, they were alone.

"No one's here to help you faggot."

Simmy grabbed his shirt and pushed him back into the wall.

"What's happening here?" A man looked out of his window, his car slowly rolling.

"Nothing." Simmy answered, letting go of Archie's shirt and pretending to pat out all of the creases. The man looked unconvinced and looked to Archie.

"Do you need a lift somewhere?" He asked Archie.

"Yes, please." Simmy watched him as he jumped into the passenger side of the car.

"Hi I'm Tom." The man said as Archie got in.

"Archie." Said without looking at him.

"Where you headed?"

"Just the chip shop."

_You're ok Archie. You're ok. _

_Stop shaking. It's fine. _

_That fucker's gonna come after me again. _

_It's alright, you just have to plan yourself better._

_I shouldn't have to! _

"Are you ok?" Tom looked at Archie momentarily before returning his eyes to the road.

"Yeah I'm fine. Actually no I'm not."

"Did I hear that dickhead call you a faggot?"

Archie lowered his eyes even further, his face red with shame and embarrassment.

_Great, now I've got strangers banging on about it. _

"Yeah." Archie said without raising his eyes.

The car stopped outside of the chip shop.

Tom took out his wallet and retrieved a business card for Archie. Archie took it and looked at the card

"I teach boxing, down at the-".

"Yeah me mate Finn learns boxing there."

"Yeah I know Finn. I teach him sometimes."

"I don't know if I'd be any good at boxing." Archie looked up at Tom. He had large blue eyes and golden brown hair.

"Well we could give it a go. Self-defence is your best option right now."

Archie felt his stomach lurch.

_Oh my god, he looks like a Greek god. _

_He's so incredibly good looking._

_I just want him to…_

_Oh shit, I sound like Rae talking about Finn don't I?_

Archie blushed and lowered his eyes.

"I guess I can give it a go."

"Great."

"Thanks for the lift."

"No worries. Don't let that fucker get to you, alright?"

Archie nodded, feeling strangely better when Tom smiled at him.

"See you around."

_'Alright' by Supergrass_

_I liked our mornings at the chip shop, having breakfast and a chat before school. _

Izzy was yawning as Archie sat down.

"Alright Iz, get any sleep last night?" Archie joked.

"Yeah I slept for ages, still tired though."

"Me too." Chloe sympathised.

Finn and Chop entered together, organising a few last things for Rae's birthday present.

"Mate, I can't do it for less than that." Finn scrunched up his face and shook his head.

"Ok. That's how much it's gotta cost then. And that's all of it?"

"Yeah I've already done most of what you want, there's just a few things left." Chop looked at a scrawling list with most of the things ticked off.

"And it'll be ready on time?" Finn was deadly serious about this.

"It'll be tight, especially with that fucking budget – I am doing you a right proper favour mate. I'll get it done though. Wouldn't let our Rae-Rae down." Chop grinned conspiratorially.

_I hate that they haven't let Finn back into school yet. He's working at least. That's keeping him sane. But I miss having him in me classes. _

_I wonder if I should ask him about Tom?_

"Right people." Chop said, "everyone got their pounds?" They all reached into their pockets and put money onto the table. Chop gathered it and counted it.

"Great. How much do you girls need for booze and decorations?"

"At least a hundred pound." Izzy answered looking at Chloe for confirmation.

"Hundred fucking quid?" Chop gave her a dirty look, "fucking hell."

"Give them the money Chop!" Archie and Finn yelled at him.

"Better spend it well." Chop said as he took some of the money out of the pile and gave it to them.

"Rae's mum's ok with it." Archie reported.

"I knew she would be." Chloe smiled.

"Are we still doing the Friday lunch thing?"

"Yeah Linda and I already talked about that – Karim's planning and paying for that – don't worry about it." Chloe said.

"Oh thank fuck for that. I was starting to think I'd have to sell a fucking kidney to afford this fucking thing!" Archie laughed.

_Tom had made me forget about the shit with Simmy. _

_All I could think about were those stunning blue eyes._

_I wonder what he looks like under his jacket?_

_Boxing lessons, here I come!_

_But they'd have to wait until after the holiday. I suppose._

"I'll get us some food then." Chop wandered off to the counter.

"Ah here she is!" Archie declared as Rae walked in, her sunnies firmly in place partially hiding a grumpy, exhausted face.

Finn kissed her lips and she perked up a little.

"Aiesha playing up all night?" He asked as he brushed the hair from her face. She nodded.

"She's cute and all, but I think she's trying to kill me." Rae yawned, and that set Izzy and Chloe off again.

Archie shared an amused glance with Finn from the sides of their eyes.

Chop returned with bags of chips and scallops.

"Not hungry." Izzy said as he tried to pass her a scallop.

"Alright?" He asked as he sat down next to her.

"Yeah, I think this ear infection's just getting to me." She poked at her ear miserably and Chop kissed her.

"You need anything?" He asked softly. This was a private conversation. The rest of the gang turned to plans for the winter break coming up soon. They had a few weeks off over Christmas, starting from this Friday.

"Me mum's invited you all to me birthday lunch. But I don't think she's expecting you all to come. Cos of school."

"It's the last day of school." Chloe said with a grin. "Of course we'll all be there!"

"I know. So we're having a big lunch thing at the house, I think Karim's doing all the cooking. She usually does me dinners on me birthday, I don't know why it's a lunch this time."

Everyone was silent.

_Oh fuck. We hadn't thought of this. What excuse could we make?_

"It's probably Aiesha babe, probably doesn't want her up too late?"

_Good ol' Chloe – always thinking of something. She's been the saviour of this endeavour on more than one occasion. She always knows what to say to stop Rae from getting too suspicious. _

"Probably, now I think about it." Rae agreed as she took a few chips.

"It's the third." They heard Izzy say softly in the silence. Chop put his hand up to her ear and looked worried.

"It's just an ear infection Chop." Izzy was touched by his concern.

"Third one."

"Yeah but I'm a swimmer Chop, we're prone to them."

"That's right." He perked up.

As they approached the school a woman pulled up on a motorbike. She kicked the stand and got off, turning to look around as she took her helmet off. She nodded 'good morning' at the principal, who smiled warmly in return.

_I like the new vice principal and performing arts teacher. She always makes you feel like she's on your side. _

Archie noticed Rae smiling. Rae always smiled when she saw Elsa.

"Finn." She said softly, but her Australian accent projected to them nonetheless. He separated from the group and went over to her.

"Hi Elsa."

"I'm glad I ran into you. You'll be permitted back into school in the new year, but you'll have to sit some make up exams. Any of them that you don't pass you'll have to repeat the subject next school year. Understood?" She said as she shoved her riding gloves into her helmet and grabbed her backpack from under the seat.

"Yeah, thanks."

"I managed to get you back in based on your excellent science and music performance in your first year. I expect to see you pass those make up exams at the very least. Hopefully we'll get you past English, but I think you'll probably have to repeat the year for that." Finn shrugged.

"I don't mind, really."

Elsa's eyes strayed to Rae.

"No I don't suppose you do. But I'd like you try your hardest on those make up exams nonetheless. It took me a lot of pissing around with dickhead administrators to make this happen."

"Got it."

"Good."

_Dear Diary_

_This week was dragging its arse like a dog with worms on a shag pile carpet. _

_Aiesha was killing the mood at my place and every time we was at Finn's place, his dad just wanted to hang out with us. He'd missed Finn quite a bit. _

_Consequently since our lovely get-back-together weekend shag-fest we hadn't been able to fuck. And it were Tuesday. That's two fucking days if we don't break this drought tonight. _

_I know Finn's frustrated cos every time we touch he groans, just softly in the back of his throat, every kiss and his hands are on me. He's as horny as me, and the world is conspiring against us getting our sex on. _

_At lunch time he came to spend it with us; he does that when his work hours let him. And he stared at me like a starving man. _

_It were dead sexy._

_Sometimes I try to imagine what he's seeing when he looks at me like that. _

_But when I do that, I just end up imaging a thin version of myself dressed in sexy lingerie, or naked with a waxed snatch, and giving him the eye. I don't think I even know how to give him the eye. _

_Am I not sexy?_

_I can't do that sexy stuff._

Rae screwed up her face and Finn's lustful look changed to one of curiosity.

"What's going on in your head girl?" He asked as he moved closer to her.

"I'm trying to figure out how to seduce you."

"Oh for fuck's sake." Archie said and screwed up a piece of paper and threw it at her, while Chloe and Izzy broke out into laughter. Finn caught the ball of paper before it hit Rae and pegged it back hard at Archie who ducked it.

"No," she turned to the gang, "but seriously, how do you seduce a guy."

"Have a vagina." Chloe answered as if she was joking, but the cynicism in her voice was obvious.

"I don't think that'll work for me." Archie chimed in. The gang laughed, and Finn smiled but kept his eyes on Rae as she looked to Izzy.

"What do you do Iz?"

"I just start taking me clothes off – that usually does it."

Finn's grin grew as Rae screwed her face up more.

"Sounds like Chop!" Chloe laughed.

"Oi! What do you mean?" Izzy laughed and mock hit her on the arm.

"He's just likes you that much Iz, that you don't have to do nought to get him going."

Rae frowned as the conversation continued. Finn leaned in and put his mouth to her ear.

"You're doing it right now."

She turned her face to his and he kissed her lips.

"Gotta go back to work. Gotta make money." He whispered with his lips still on hers in between small kisses, "I'll see you at mine tonight, yeah?" He pulled back and looked at her.

"Yeah, after me job trial."

"Good luck with that Miss Earl. Knock 'em dead." Finn's fingers traced down her face before his lips found hers and kissed her hard. "Tonight." He kissed her again and sauntered off, lighting a cigarette as he went.

"I've never seen him like this." Archie mused and then looked meaningfully at Rae.

"What?" Rae tried to hide that she was blushing by showing an unusually high level of attention to her nails.

_It made me happy what Arch said. But it made me wonder what he were like with his other girlfriends. _

_Don't think about it, you don't need this. _

_But how many girlfriends had he had? _

_I knew Stacey and Olivia. Was it Stacey's mum that had kicked Finn out in nought but his skin? Or were it some other girl._

_Suddenly I felt totally unequipped to handle a Finn. _

_He were experienced. _

_I weren't._

_You can't count one blowjob and a shag with Liam as experience. I spent most of that in a depressed haze of self-hate. I didn't even want to think about that time._

"Guys. I'm serious though. How do you seduce a guy?" Rae looked straight at Chloe, and after a minute of thinking Izzy also turned her eyes to Chloe. Chloe looked at them and laughed.

"Alright! Well I read in cosmopolitan magazine-"

"Oh for fuck's sake!" Archie groaned.

"Alright Arch?" Chloe elbowed him.

"I need Finn back." He looked longingly after Finn.

"You could learn something from this too!"

"Oh right, of course!" He shook his head, bemused.

"Women need to maintain the mystique."

"Yeah, that'll help me." Archie answered sarcastically. Chloe tutted and rolled her eyes at him.

"Maintain the mystique? What does that even mean?" Izzy scrunched her nose up.

"Men need to have an air of mystery. They like the idea of a woman, rather than the reality." Chloe informed then with a sage nod of her head.

"I still don't know what that means." Rae said looking unimpressed.

"It's like, they like a woman in sexy underwear right?" Chloe said as if asking one of life's great mysteries, "But they don't want to see the sexy underwear drying on the line."

"Oh bollocks!" Archie scoffed.

"No really Archie!" Chloe argued, "It's all about maintaining an image of sexy so he never gets bored of you. You don't show him all those little boring things you have to do. Like, don't put your make up on in front of him. My mum said to never eat corn in front of men, like do any stuff that might make you look ugly in front of them. And you don't fart in front of them, ever!"

"Rae farts in front of me!"

"Oh shut up Arch!"

Elsa sat on the stage talking to Izzy.

_Izzy was struggling with the writing task, and I had to admit that the idea of writing a scene in a play was really hard, but even more so when you had to work in groups, and Stacey bloody Stringfellow was in my group. _

_Elsa was pretty annoyed that they'd put all the performing arts kids from both first and second year into one class, but I didn't mind it. It meant we had Archie in with us. Unfortunately for me and Chloe, Archie and Izzy were working in another group. _

_Chloe and me was stuck with Stacey and Amy. Stacey was constantly saying stuff to Chloe about being a slut. I tried to shut her up, and Chloe looked like it didn't bother her, but sometimes I'd see her staring off with that look in her eye I saw at Ian's. But she'd always come back to being my Chloe if I said anything. _

"Don't open your legs Chloe, the black hole between them would suck us all in."

"Fuck off Stacey."

_I hate Stacey. _

"Finn's definitely dropped his standards since you Stacey."

_But I fucking hate Amy more. _

"Alright," Chloe said smiling, "you're just pissed off cos both your lads went to Rae."

_I love Chloe. _

"Yeah, they just know fat girls give it up easier." Amy's eyes flashed with anger.

"Wouldn't they just go to Chloe if they wanted easy?" Stacey smiled sweetly in return.

"Do you know girls, the idea that a girl's worth is based on how many times she's had a guy between her legs is bullshit." Elsa had appeared behind Stacey, a pen held between her fingers like a cigarette. "It doesn't matter if you've had sex never or if you've had it a thousand times with a hundred different people, it doesn't lessen your worth. You're still valid and important as human being regardless of your sexual history." She pointed at Amy and Stacey, "I'll talk to you two after class."

_I love Elsa. It's not just that she lets us call her by her first name, or that she's Australian and her accent is funny. It's not just that she swears and she lets us swear, and talk about real stuff in our performing arts projects, like drugs and getting pregnant and having sex. It's that she's fat. And she's sexy. She wears nice clothes that hug her body. She rides a motorbike and she eats in front of people. She seems to be really ok with her body. And she's fat! And she says nice things just at the right time, like what she just said; I know Chloe needed to hear that. And so did I. _

_Plus she got Finn back into school. _

"I read your working draft of your first person narrative Rae. I loved it, you're a very talented writer, so I'd like you to take the lead in writing the school play for this year's end of year performance. Maybe even do some directing? You could certainly do that instead of perform if you like?"

_Did I mention that I love Elsa?_

_"Buy Me A Pony" by Spiderbait_

_It were a real trendy store, with crappy music playing and lots of thin blond girls who all looked at me when I walked in. I don't even know how I got this job trial. But me mum telling me that my sex life were her business while I was under roof made me think seriously for the first time about moving out. _

_I just had to earn some money. _

_I didn't like that I had to wear the clothes that the store sold though. They gave me the biggest size and it still stuck to me like flies on shit. I looked like an overstuffed frankfurter. _

"How's it going in there Rae?"

_Oh shit._

"Fine."

"Well show me how you look dear."

"Um… well do you have a bigger size?"

"No we don't Rae." Karen said as she opened the curtain.

_Fucking hell! _

"Karen!"

"You look fine Rae, exactly as I envisioned. Now come do your trial. You'll be on the floor for an hour, and then I'll let you know if we'll hire you."

Rae looked back at the mirror unconvinced.

_The buttons on me shirt are practically popping, she must be joking,_

"But… but the clothes don't fit."

"Yes I know." She answered with warm smile. "What's the problem?"

"Well…"

"I knew they wouldn't fit you, it's fine. Really it is."

"But… Aren't I supposed to be selling clothes for you… how does this help?" Rae motioned at her shirt.

"Sweetheart. People will buy our clothes, because when they look at you, they'll know they'll look better in them. You're here to make the customers feel good about themselves. Now don't be downcast about it pet, everyone's got their place in the world. Look at Maisie. Skinny as they come but have you seen her teeth? Girls look at her, and know they're prettier. It makes them buy more."

_I stood out on that floor, with Maisie, my supervisor, and tried to help customers and sell clothes. _

_My body felt like it were about the size of the Titanic. _

_As I stood there, or got smaller sizes for girls in change rooms, or folded clothes, I felt more and more ugly. The way they looked at me, you could see it in their eyes. Some felt real superior. But some pitied me – and that were the worst. _

_When my hour was up, Karen told me that I did a good job and that me sales were good, that she'd love to have me on board, gave me ten quid for tonight, and asked if I could I work tomorrow night. I told her that I had to check with me mum, but that I'd call her. _

_I was supposed to call Finn to get him to pick me up. But I just wanted to walk home and be alone. _

Rae pulled her jacket around her, glad to be in her own clothes and started to walk as fast as she could away from the shop.

"Rae."

She turned to see Finn, on his motorbike.

"I waited for you." He grinned.

_Don't cry._

_But it were too late, I were already crying before I'd seen him and now that he were here, all the emotion of the last hour poured out of me. _

"What's wrong?" He jumped off his bike and took her into his arms.

"Can we not do this here?" She asked quietly.

"Yeah sure. I'll drive us home."

Finn put the tea in front of Rae and sat next to her.

_She looks pale. I wonder if she needs a doctor. _

_Oh no she's crying again. What do I do?_

_I hate it when I don't know what to do._

"What happened?" His voice was quiet and soothing.

"I don't…"

_She's really crying now. _

_Fuck… I wish Me Nan were here, she'd know what to do._

He stroked her back calmly and bit his bottom lip.

_Come on Finn, think of something. _

"You know Finn, I think that you don't need to repay this loan to me so quickly, you should save-" He'd been walking in, looking at his bank statement and stopped mid-sentence as he saw Finn looking tortured and Rae crying.

"Oh fuck, you're not breaking up again are you?"

"No Dad." Then Finn, looking worried turned to Rae, "are we?"

"No." She smiled through her tears and shook her head, "no."

"Oh thank Christ for that." Gary let out deep breath and looked pleased for a moment, before remembering what was happening. "Oh shit, sorry Rae, are you ok? What happened?"

"Dad." Finn's voice made it very clear that Gary was not welcome at the moment.

"Oh right. Yes of course. Might go down to the pub for a couple of beers then."

"Thanks Dad."

Finn watched his dad attempt to leave the room inconspicuously, before turning back to Rae.

"What can I do to make it better?"

"I want to sleep for about a thousand years." She looked downcast and tears leaked slowly from her eyes.

"Ok."

Finn took her hand and led her up to his room. They laid down together and he wrapped his arms around her.

_I tried not to be bothered that she didn't tell me what upset her. _

_We really did need to learn how to talk to each other. _

A few hours later the door opening woke Finn from his snooze. Rae was still sleeping tightly tucked into his arms. He saw his dad creeping across his room as if he were a jewel thief.

"Hi." He whispered as he got close enough, "Rae's mum called."

"Oh fuck. I didn't even hear the phone ring." Finn hissed and gently laid his hand over Rae's ear. She didn't stir.

"It's alright, I told her that there was an accident or something but that Rae's ok and she'll stay here tonight."

"Thanks dad."

"I told her I were making up the spare bedroom."

"Dad."

"Finn, I know you went to Leeds and lived like an adult for a bit. But you're still me son, and…"

"I know."

"Parents set boundaries Finn."

"Yeah dad, but not this one. Please?"

Gary looked at Rae's sleeping face for a moment and then back up at his son. Indecision and concern mixed on his face, until eventually he sighed, resigned.

"Alright. But neither of you ever tell Linda. And it's your job to clean the bathroom from now on."

"Deal."

"Is she ok?"

"I don't know. She hasn't talked yet. She just wants to sleep."

"You worried?"

"What d'you think? Of course I'm fucking worried."

"Finn."

"Sorry."

"Right. Well, try and get some sleep." He crept out of the room, bent low as if that would make him quieter. Finn shook his head at him and watched him slowly close the door.

"You awake?" He asked softly. But she didn't move. He took his hand off her ear and stroked her hair gently.

She stirred slightly when his belly grumbled a moment later, but she didn't wake up.

_'Carwash Hair' by Mercury Rev_

_He were closing the door when I woke up. I looked over at the clock. 3am. Shit. _

He had a plate with some food on it and a cup. He put them down, scratched his ear and took his jeans off.

Rae leaned over and switched on the bedside light.

"Oh fuck, did I wake you?"

"No."

"Do you want half me sandwich?" He grinned at her.

"Yeah." She felt herself smile in response.

_His hair looks like he's been shagging all night._

_How is it that he can make me feel so good, even though I had a shit day, just by grinning at me?_

He sat down on the bed and handed her half the sandwich.

"You already cut it?"

Finn never cut his sandwiches.

"Just in case."

"Thanks." She took a bite and felt her stomach growl loudly.

"I can make you another one if you want." He laughed hearing the growl.

"Nah it's alright."

Finn took a large bite of his sandwich and a swig of his drink.

_I like the way he eats, he's so un-self-conscious. I'd like to eat like that. _

_But I don't look like Finn. _

_I look like this. _

_And I need to lose weight. _

_If I'm ever gonna get a job. If I'm gonna keep Finn, I need to go on a diet. _

"Do you wanna tell me what happened?" Finn asked cautiously.

"I just didn't get the job."

"Oh shit. I'm sorry Rae. Were they bastards about it?"

"Yeah."

_I could see the relief in his face. It were nothing serious in his mind. _

_I like it when he takes me into his arms. I think he does it when he doesn't know what to say. _

_God he smells good. _

_Like sex. _

_It didn't matter how Finn smelled, it smelled like sex to me. _

Rae ran her hand up his inner thigh, under his boxers, her fingers stopping short of the swell of his cock.

"I wouldn't do that Miss Earl if you plan on sleeping again tonight." He whispered lustily and she saw movement in his boxers.

"Maybe I've slept enough."

_Finn dropped the plate on the floor and practically dove on me._

_There has been nothing sexier in the history of the entire world than Finn Nelson hungry for sex, and there never will be. _

He stripped his boxers off and in the next movement had started on her pants.

_He were inside me before either of us had taken our tops off. And he thrust so fast and hard and deep that I thought me insides would explode from it. _

He kissed her and started to undo her shirt, slowing down his thrusts and keeping himself as deep in her as he could.

_When I was naked with him, and he were inside me, it were like the whole world didn't exist. _

_He kissed my body like a man starving._

_Look at his fucking scruffy hair. _

Rae ran her hands through his hair and down his face, he kissed her hands as they moved near his lips.

Finn slowed down again, his kisses growing slow and long and punctuated with long moments of looking into her eyes as he stroked her face and her hair.

_He kept looking like he were about to say something. But instead of saying it, he'd kiss me with a passion that made me breathless. _

_I loved that he could be fucking me one minute, and making love to me the next. It made me feel like he lusted after me frantically and loved me desperately in equal measures and the two were always fighting for expression when we had sex. It were a nice fantasy._

_I were so right to have sex instead of talk the night we got back together, when we had sex, nothing else mattered._

_He still pees in front of me._

_Still not sure how I feel about that. _

He'd put the shower on to warm and peed, Rae standing behind him trying to look somewhere else.

_Oh bloody hell, who the fuck has a full length mirror on the back of their bathroom door?_

_I don't want to see that._

She looked away from her reflection, but as she did she saw a pimple on the side of her arse.

_Oh no. _

_Oh fuck. _

_What was it Chloe said – maintain the mystique._

_He can't see this. _

She jumped in the shower.

"Oh fuck it's cold!"

"I told you it'd take a while to warm up!" He laughed as he got in. "Shit!" He shivered.

Instantly he started kissing her, his hands running up and down her sides.

_Oh god, I don't want him to find the zit. _

_I just have to focus on keeping his hands away from there. Easy._

_Oh my god… he's got his fingers in me._

Rae felt her head lean back against the wall and a groan escaped her lips.

"Good morning Miss Earl." Finn smiled cheekily. He pressed his body against hers and kissed her lips. "You know, I'm quite keen to taste your cunt."

"Cunt?" Rae opened her mouth in surprise, scandalised.

_I'd never heard me lady bits be called a cunt before. It were so sexy and dirty coming from his mouth. _

_And he fucking knew it. _

He slid his fingers out of me and put the tips of them into his mouth.

"Tasting your cunt like this isn't enough." He kissed her neck and started to rub her clitoris. "I want to bury my face in your cunt."

_Oh my god. Finn Nelson was as dirty as they came._

_And I really liked it. _

Rae started to groan louder.

"Shh." He whispered in her ear. As he rubbed his body against her rhythmically, his fingers speeding up.

"Bite on this." He put the side of his hand in her mouth and slipped a finger inside of her, still rubbing her clitoris fast.

"The next time we're alone Rae Earl, I'm going to lick your cunt for so long, you won't be able to walk for an hour after."

She came, as quietly as she could, biting into his hand, he winced but smiled lustily.

"I fucking love making you cum." He whispered into her ear.

He got out of the shower looking very satisfied and looked back.

"Oh hey, that's a good zit." He said as he looked back and saw the pimple on Rae's rump.

_Oh no._

_I just wanted to bury my head somewhere and never be seen again._

He reached over and popped it.

"Ugh!" He laughed as he let the shower water wash the pus away and turned to grab a towel.

"Did you just pop my pimple?" Rae's face was a picture of disgust.

"Yeah." He didn't look back.

_What. The. Fuck._

"You pee in front of me… you pop my pimples…"

"What?" He turned around, concerned by her serious tone.

"What about my mystique?"

"You what?"

_He's so cute when he's confused. _

"Doesn't that stuff gross you out… or make me seem less… interesting."

"No. It were a zit. We all get 'em." He shrugged.

"Yeah I know."

"And… I dunno… I feel comfortable around you… so I…" He shrugged and looked like he was thinking hard, "I can stop peeing in front of you if it grosses you out." He looked really concerned.

_Suddenly it seemed imperative that Finn continue to pee in front of me._

_I never thought that this was a sentence that would exist in my life, and yet here it was._

_It was the weirdest thing that had happened to me in a while._

"No it's fine. I just… you're not like other boys. I'm not used to it."

He bit his lip and furrowed his brows.

"Is that good or bad?"

_He was actually worried I thought he might be bad._

_Oh Finn Nelson…_

_I love him so much._

"It's good."

_And that smile of his. He makes me feel as though I make him happy – me – as if I am the source of his happiness._

_He's perfect. _

_'Waiting For The Miracle' by Leonard Cohen_

"I've decided to go on a diet."

Kester appraised her as she sat calmly, her arms crossed over her stomach.

"I don't think that's a good idea Rae." He said finally, "We're trying to normalise your relationship with food."

"I'm sick of being fat."

Kester sat forward in his chair and pulled his ear before speaking.

"What's happened?"

Rae looked away.

"I went for a job trial. They wanted to hire me cos I made customers feel good about themselves."

"Well that's good." He said with mild confusion.

"I made them feel good about themselves because when they looked at me, they knew they were prettier. Knew the clothes would look better on them."

"And the employer said that to you?" His jaw clenched slightly.

"Yep."

"And so you believe that the best thing to do is to lose weight?"

"Yeah. That wouldn't'a happened if I were normal."

Kester took a breath and leaned back in his chair, crossing his leg and folding his hands on his lap. He looked thoughtfully at her.

"If a child is beaten by a bully because they wear glasses, would you tell that child to stop wearing glasses to stop the bullies?"

"No but that's different. You can't help needing glasses. I can help being fat."

"Your mother has dieted all of life. Do you think it's helped?" He cocked his head slightly and waited for her to respond.

Rae fidgeted with her sleeves and looked at the floor.

"She weren't doing it right."

"And you think you can do it right?"

"Yeah."

"Rae," he shook his head slightly, "you can't hate yourself into being something you'll love. When the world is shit, it doesn't mean that your answer is to change yourself. It's the world that's shit, not you."

He saw the tears in her eyes and opened his mouth to say more.

"Did I see Liam up here the other day?" She said. Kester pursed his lips but decided not to push the topic this session.

"Yes, he came to ask me to come back to group."

"Are you gonna let him?"

Kester grimaced in thought.

"I don't think it would be beneficial for either you or him to be in the same therapy group." He replied carefully.

"It's alright. I can leave group and just come to you. I prefer it anyway."

"I'll have a think about what's best to do with Liam."

_'Connection' by Elastica_

_Thursday nights were always packed at the pub, but tonight it were real full. None of the gang were going to school tomorrow. It were the Christmas break and, more importantly, it were my birthday tomorrow. _

_The gang had managed to carve out a space at our usual table, Danny were joining us this evening; he and Chop were getting to be real good mates, and no one minded that sometimes he were a little weird. _

_We're all a little weird sometimes. _

"Right, what does everybody want?" Danny stood up, "my shout!"

Orders came flying in – pints all round.

_Chop had gotten Danny a job with him at the mechanics. Apparently Danny were real good with numbers, and he were keeping the books for them now. _

"So what are we doing Friday night?" Rae asked them, "it's my birthday, so I think we'll have to go big!"

"My mum and dad want me to stay home. I'm sorry, but I'll be there for the lunch." Chloe reached out and took Rae's hand.

"Your parents are evil keeping you home on a Friday night!"

"I think they're just glad I'm home."

_It were the first time she'd talked about what had happened. I saw Izzy and Chop exchange a glance and Finn squeezed my thigh._

"Yeah of course."

"But you guys should go out without me." She smiled wanly at the gang, "it's Rae's birthday."

"No. Maybe I'll just stay in."

"No!" Archie put his arm over her shoulders, "We're coming to the pub after your lunch. You'll be able to join us for some of it right Chloe?"

"Yeah, for a bit!"

_Friday night was gonna be great. It were bad Chloe couldn't be there, but I were determined to have fun tomorrow._

"So are you seeing anyone Danny?" Izzy leaned forward to hear the gossip, Danny's sex stories were always the best.

"No. Not at the moment."

"Seen anyone since Rae?" She pushed. Danny looked around the table, lastly seeing Finn's eyes narrow slightly before he looked away grumpily.

"I didn't really see Rae."

_Oh fuck. _

_I could feel everybody's eyes go from Danny to me, but mostly I felt Finn's eyes on me, trying to see right into me skull._

"I just said all that stuff to make Finn jealous. It were my idea." Danny answered their silent questions with a proud smile.

_Oh. My. God. _

_Danny shut up!_

"You what?" Finn's face was filled with amused incredulity.

"Well, Rae were saying that she liked you, right-"

"No Danny shut up!" She threw a beer mat at him and he batted it away awkwardly.

"No!" Archie yelled over her, "We have to hear this!"

Finn put an arm around her and smiled cheekily.

"Yeah I agree with Archie." He pulled her closer and she buried her burning face in his chest while Danny continued.

"And I told her that I should go to the party and pretend to be her ex-boyfriend to make you jealous. She told me not to, but I knew it were a good plan."

"How was it a good plan Danny?" Rae popped her head up exasperatedly.

"It worked."

"Us getting together doesn't mean it worked Danny."

"No, I mean, he were jealous." Danny nodded at Finn. Rae looked up at Finn, who was trying to look unconcerned by the whole conversation.

"You know what Danny, now that you mention it, you're right!" Izzy laughed, "you asked Danny to stop talking about Rae, Finn – you were so jealous!" The gang laughed and jeered, another beermat was thrown before Finn conceded.

"Yeah alright, I were jealous."

"Why were you jealous?" Rae laughed with the rest of the gang.

"At the time, I didn't know I were jealous." He shrugged.

"He was jealous because he liked you Rae!" Danny answered as if it were obvious.

"I didn't even know I liked you though." Finn said almost apologetically to Rae.

"Well, when did you know you liked Rae?" Chloe asked curiously.

"Yeah cos you were chasing a buncha girls when we first met Rae." Chop added, "I'd like to know when the Raemundo stole your heart."

"I don't know." Finn was starting to blush and Rae enjoyed that, "It came on real slow like, so I can't say exactly when I started liking her."

"The pool party." Archie said deviously and Finn pegged a beer mat hard at him.

"You said you wouldn't mention that!" Finn blushed furiously and grabbed another beer mat to throw at Archie. Rae took it from his hands and looked at him sternly.

"The pool party?" She asked Finn who shook his head at Archie, Rae turned to look at Archie.

"Don't!" Finn said as he brought his feet up onto his chair, ready to spring up over the table at Archie, to stop him before he spoke.

"Caught him perving at your tits Rae!" Archie said and backed away from the table before Finn could get to him.

Rae opened her mouth shocked.

"You what?" Rae demanded while the rest of the gang laughed.

"Not another word Archie!" Finn punched Archie hard on the arm.

"Archie?" Rae asked.

"I can't, he's my best mate, plus he'll hit me really hard."

"Fucking right I will!" Finn said seriously, even though he was smiling. When Archie and Finn sat back down, Rae still looking from one to the other waiting for one of them to say something, but both refused, so Danny spoke up;

"I'd like to know when you realised that you liked Rae."

"I probably liked her for a long time before I did realise." Finn replied still giving dirty looks to Archie who was rubbing his arm. Archie saw Finn glaring at him, smiled sweetly and gave him the finger.

"And when was that?" Danny asked innocently.

"During spin the bottle." Finn answered, turning his face to Danny.

"Hey, that's when I realised I loved Izzy." Izzy grinned at Chop and moved closer to him, "it's the game of love, I tell you!"

Finn looked shyly at Rae and then back to Chop.

"It's pretty funny." He said looking at his hands with a grin, "when the bottle landed on you Rae," He looked up at her, "I felt like I might punch the fuck out of every guy playing, cos he might get to kiss you. So I knew." He ended with a self-conscious shrug.

"What? Even me?" Chop asked feigning hurt feelings.

"Aye chop, I woulda punched you the hardest!" Finn leaned over and hit his thigh and Chop corked Finn's arm in return.

"What?" Rae was shaking her head confused, "if you liked me, then what the fuck happened in the closet?" Rae was laughing with the rest of the gang, but inside she felt a very dire need to know all of this.

"Yes, what did happen in the closet?" Chop leaned forward with Izzy on his lap mirroring his expression.

"He had a bit of a go at me!" Rae answered them and turned her eyes back to Finn for an explanation.

"Eh," he shrugged, "you were being a knob head to me all day, if you hadn't have been I probably would have had your pants off instead of getting pissy at you."

"That were my idea." Danny said, "although, in retrospection, probably not my best one."

"You told her to be a knob to me?" Finn asked with an incredulous grin.

"Well, Rae was in the friend zone, and I told her to create tension to be in the romance zone." Danny answered, absurdly pleased with his logic.

"Don't take advice about our relationship from Danny again ok?" Finn was laughing as he turned to Rae.

"Alright."

"So… nothing good happened in the closet then?" Izzy asked.

"Not really." Rae said and took a big gulp of her beer.

"Nope, in fact, she told me she didn't want to be me friend." Finn's smile fell momentarily. "Put me in a right bad mood." He said softly and took a swig of his pint.

"Yeah cos she wanted to be your girlfriend, dickhead!" Chloe laughed, "how did you not see that?"

"That's not a very good use of a closet." Izzy shook her head in dismay.

"Hey Chop, was it that kiss that made you know you loved Izzy?" Rae changed the topic.

He nodded and turned to her, kissing her lips ferociously.

"Get off!" Izzy laughed.

"How'd you guys meet?" Rae leaned forward as Izzy started to answer.

"Well Chop and me used to live next to each other. But when I were thirteen we moved for me dad's work. I had such a crush on you," Izzy turned to Chop, who grinned in reply, "and you never even noticed me!" She laughed and Chop pursed his lips into a kiss at her. "I was broken hearted when we moved! When we moved back, I didn't really know anyone anymore, I was pretty lonely. But I saw Chop and Archie and Finn talking at the Chip shop one day so I went over and Chop let me hang around."

"I nearly didn't, kept thinking, not this bird again."

"Oi!" Izzy laughed.

"But Finn and Archie thought you were alright, so…"

"So I got to hang around with the boys for a bit. But it were lonely being the only girl, so when I met Chloe at dance, I decided to introduce her to the gang." Izzy's face lit up, "And then Chloe brought you along, Rae. And then you brought Danny!" Izzy finished with a grin.

Danny gave a big grin and then saw the clock over the bar.

"Oh, and Danny's got to go home." He quipped. This was met with general dismay, and invitations to come out again. But they all knew that Danny's parents were keeping a tight reign over his socialising; they were afraid he'd get too much stimulation.

They said their farewells to Danny, and Chloe dragged the girls to the bathroom to freshen up.

"Rae your tits look amazing in that top." Izzy said as she came out of the stall and washed her hands. Chloe paused for checking her makeup to look

"They'd look better if the top were lower cut." She opined.

"It's actually the lowest cut top I've got." Rae looked at herself self-consciously.

"That's a crime when you've got tits like that." Chloe said seriously. Izzy nodded in agreement. "Come here." Chloe said as she pulled at Rae's shirt, "if we pull it down a little, we'll show a little more skin."

"I don't really care!" Rae protested as Izzy joined in.

"Then it won't hurt you to let us do it!" Chloe answered triumphantly, "There, it's done." Rae looked at her cleavage, now spilling out of her top and started to pull the top back up but Chloe slapped her hands away. Rae gave her a frustrated glare, but Izzy backed Chloe silently as she started to pull Rae's shirt in at the waist a little.

"Do you know," Izzy sounded excited, "I've got to make a dress in me sewing class at school, can I make it for you Rae?"

"That's such a great idea!" Chloe agreed.

_Oh fuck. I don't really want them to be taking my measurements and seeing me in my underwear._

"I don't know."

"Oh come on Rae, I'm the only one without a model!" Izzy face was alight with hope and excitement.

"Use Chloe."

"Can't, she's in the class, and we can't use people in the class."

"Who are you using Chloe?" Rae deflected.

"I'm doing a suit for me dad. It were mum's idea."

"Well can't you use your parents Izzy?" She asked hopefully.

"Oh Rae, I'd much rather do something nice for you!" Izzy pleaded.

"Oh. Ok then." Rae gave in. Izzy squealed with delight and Chloe looked really pleased.

_ffffuuuuuuuuuuucccckkkkkkk._

_'More Human Than Human' by White Zombie_

Getting back across the crowded pub to the boys was proving to be difficult. There was a bit of shoving and weaving and getting drinks spilled on you and-

_Is that a hand on my arse?_

Rae was suddenly pulled backwards by a guy in the crowd.

"Hey big girl, you want a piece of this?" He grabbed his cock through his pants and laughed.

"Fuck off." Rae tried to pull away but he grabbed her arm.

"Come on bitch, fat girl like you must be gagging for it." He said trying to get her hand to touch his groin.

"Get the fuck off!" Izzy yelled at him, "CHOP! FINN!" She called across the room. Chloe watched on in horror as the guy pushed Izzy and laughed as she fell into a guy standing behind her.

"The fuck are you doing?" Finn's face was a mask of fury as he took in the scene; Rae desperately pulling away from a drunk guy who was grabbing her, Izzy sprawled on the floor, Chloe backing away in fear. Chop went straight to Izzy and Archie put a hand on Chloe's shoulder.

"Trying to get a hand job from this fat cunt."

"The fuck you saying about my girl?"

_No. No this can't be happening._

"Your girl?" He laughed, and his mates joined in, but he let go of Rae's hand.

_No. No please don't let this be happening. _

"Are you a chubby chaser? I heard fat girls are best at sucking dick."

_Rae felt the room spiralling around her. _

_Please just let this end now. _

_If he hears how other people think about me… he'll see it. He'll realise what he's going out with. _

Chop and Archie crept closer to Finn, Archie put a hand on Finn's arm. This dickhead had a big group of mates with him, there was no way they could take them all on.

"I mean why else would you be with a fat, ugly cunt like that?" Finn lurched forward, rage etched into every line of his face, but Archie and Chop grabbed his arms. The guy walked right up to him laughing. He opened his mouth to speak but Finn head butted him. Hard. Rae's jaw dropped as the man fell to the ground, blood spurting from his nose.

"Oh fuck." She heard Chop say as he raised his fists to take on the guy's mates who had all turned to see what was happening.

"You broke my fucking nose!" He yelled from the floor, and spat out blood and two teeth.

Finn kicked him in the gut, hard.

"I'll break your fucking skull, if you touch her" a kick to the kidneys.

"Or look at her," a kick to his side as he arched away in pain.

"Or speak about her again!" A kick to the thigh as he tried to scoot away.

"You hear me?" Finn tried to raise his fists, but Archie caught hold of him again, so he kicked the man in the thigh again.

"I'll cave your fucking skull in!" Archie tried to pull Finn back.

And Chop tried to position himself between the girls and the guy's mates. But his mates just laughed.

"Serves him fucking right. He's a right twat." One of them said as Archie managed to pull Finn off him.

"Let's get the fuck out, before the fuzz come." Chop said as he dragged Finn by the collar, "Archie!" He yelled at him, and Archie, knowing what Chop wanted, pushed the girls out in front of him.

"The fuck you thinking?" Chop said as he pulled Finn out, "you weigh your fucking odds Finn!"

Archie grabbed Rae's arm as she turned to see the guy that had grabbed her rolling around in a pool of his own blood.

_Fucking hell. _

She turned and looked at Finn, who was letting himself be dragged away. Izzy was fine but was dragging a crying Chloe behind her.

Several blocks away they all stopped and sat in a public park. Chloe had stopped crying.

"It were a just a shock, that's all." She was saying to Izzy when they sat down.

Chop took Izzy protectively into his arms and kissed her forehead.

"You alright?" She nodded and Chop held her tighter. Archie took a cigarette from Chop and handed it to Chloe. Finn paced angrily.

"You ok?" Rae asked softly.

"I'm fine." And then he sat down slowly and cradled his head, "actually me head hurts." He used his t-shirt to wipe blood off his face, none of it his own. Rae sat next to him on the floor and cautiously put a hand on his back.

_Would he still want me after this? _

_After the reality of what I am had been shoved in his face?_

"Why'd you do that?"

Finn looked up confused at her.

"Why wouldn't I? You're me girl, and he were talking shit about you, and fucking touched you without you saying it were ok." He was getting angry again.

"I'm sorry Finn."

"Why are you sorry?"

"For that guy."

"It's not your fault - it were that guy. It's this fucking world innit?"

"I dunno."

"It's fucking bollocks how guys treat girls like they're nought but a body."

Rae noticed her shirt, pulled down by Chloe and Izzy, her breasts heaving over the top of it. She self-consciously pulled the top up and looked away from him.

"Well you can't fix it all by head butting it."

"I can fucking try." He said and then grinned at her. His hand touched her face, "are you alright Rae?"

"I'm fine."

"Show me your arm." Rae held out her arm for him and he pulled his bottom lip into his mouth as he looked at the bruise forming.

"I didn't kick him nearly hard enough." Finn's voice was thick and raw. He lowered his lips to the bruise and kissed her.

"I'm sorry Rae."

"What are you sorry for?"

"For not asking if you're alright sooner. For not beating the snot outta that guy harder. For losing me temper. I hope I didn't scare you."

"Well, it was a bit of a shock."

Finn lowered his eyes and bit the inside of his mouth.

"But I'm fine, and I'm not scared of you."

"You're sure you're fine?"

"Yeah."

"That guy will be pissing blood for a week." Archie said in trepidation. "Good job Finn."

"Did you see his fucking teeth!" Chop laughed, "this lad knows how to brawl!" He shoved Finn in congratulations and lit a cigarette for him.

They sat together for a few moments, talking about the fight, congratulating Finn, and worrying if anyone had called the cops.

"We should all go home." Chop said getting up. "And we were all home, in our fucking rooms, all night, ok?"

"I'll walk you home." Finn said as he got up and offered her a hand.

"Do you want to sneak in and stay the night?"

"Nah, Chop's right, I should go home. And I got work early tomorrow so I could get off on time to be at your birthday lunch."

They walked home in silence, holding hands.

_There were so many things I wanted to say to him._

_Sorry for being fat._

_Sorry for making you have to defend me._

_Sorry for not being able to take care of myself. _

_But I couldn't find the words for any of it. _

_When he left me on my doorstep he kissed my forehead and left. _

_It were the first night he hadn't kissed me goodnight on the lips. _

_'To Bring You My Love' by PJ Harvey_

"You're home early." Linda said as Rae walked into the kitchen.

"Yeah the pub were too crowded."

"Your Finn is quite the gentleman." Linda nodded to a dozen long-stem blood-red roses on the table, her mum had already put them in a vase. Rae went over to them, a huge smile creeping across her face.

"They probably weren't supposed to come till tomorrow, for your birthday." Linda smiled and handed her the card. There was nothing but her name and a hand drawn heart on it.

_I love Finn. He's so perfect. Every time I think something's wrong or I feel like shit, he does something to make it better. _

"I'm gonna take these up to my room."

"Be quiet though, the baby's asleep." Rae kissed her mum goodnight and headed up the stairs with the roses in their vase.

_They smell divine. Would have cost heaps too. What a lovely birthday present! _

She opened the door and saw the light on in the ensuite. Finn was in there, topless. He turned around.

"Sorry." His eyes strayed to the roses. "They're nice."

"Yeah, they really are." Rae said meaningfully.

"Sorry, I crept into your room, but I couldn't stand ending the night without a kiss, but I couldn't kiss you with that creep's blood on me, so…" She looked at the basin full of soapy water and his shirt in his hand, which he was using to clean his face.

Rae carefully put the roses down, and then flung her arms around him, kissing him hard and passionately. He kissed back with the same ferocity, his arms surrounding her, he dropped his shirt onto the floor as she dragged him towards the bed.

"Rae, I can't. I gotta get sleep before work." But his hands were undressing her even as he spoke, "No, I gotta stop." He said as he took her shirt off. After a few more moments of kissing her he actually did pull away.

"No I got a very important day tomorrow, and I don't wanna fuck it up. So I'm gonna go home and actually sleep." He kissed her again and then looked her in the eyes, "Happy birthday Rae." He grabbed his shirt, turned and dropped out of her window with graceful ease. Rae looked at her clock.

12:01

_I'm 17. _

_I have a lovely family, wonderful friends and a perfect boyfriend. Everything was finally starting to look up. _

_I'm happy. I'm actually happy. _

_And my birthday was gonna be great!_

Finn dropped to the ground outside of Rae's window.

_Ow fuck me knee. _

He landed awkwardly, but didn't do any damage.

Finn straightened up and turned to see Rae looking out her window. He blew her a kiss and left.

_Why didn't I think to get her roses? _

_She really liked them._

_I wonder who they're from._

_'Fake Plastic Trees' by Radiohead_

Finn walked angrily, fast, images of the night crowding his head.

A few blocks on he noticed a familiar motorbike outside a lit up house and decided to knock on her door.

Elsa answered wearing a fitted, corseted dress.

"Finn Nelson, what the hell are you doing on my doorstep?"

"I saw the bike. Can I come in for a minute?"

"Unless you plan to become part of the sexual scenario I am currently in the middle of the answer is no. And since you are only 17, and also soon to be a student of mine, the answer is doubly, and triply no. So no. No. No. Finn you cannot come in."

"I just wanted to ask some advice." She looked at his downcast eyes and sighed.

"Just a minute guys." She called back into the house and closing the door she stepped out into the front patch of grass.

"Ok. But I warn you that I am slightly… drunk… let's say drunk."

Finn couldn't help but smile at that. And then he noticed what she was wearing.

"You look good." He said sounding surprised.

"Yes, even us oldies don't scrub up too bad when hosting an orgy. Now are you going to get to the point?"

"Orgy?"

"I might be exaggerating." Finn looked at the window and saw the shadows of several people moving.

"Right." He lowered his head and started to laugh.

"Not what you expected, am I?"

"No."

"Good." He laughed and she stumbled slightly as she walked to her brick garden wall and sat on it. He sat beside her and offered her one of his cigarettes.

"Thanks. So why are you here again?" She asked as she took it.

"So you've got a lad then?"

"You mean a lover?"

"Aye."

"I have several, I'm polyamorous."

"I don't know what that means."

"We really do need to work on your English when you get back to school. You came to my house to ask about my lovers?" She shook her head at him and blew out her smoke towards his face.

"Do you have lads that are like me? Like young and… you know…"

"Are you asking if I have a young fit lover?"

"Yeah."

"As in not fat." She said with an impenetrable smile.

"No, I wasn't meaning…" Finn lowered his face and shifted uncomfortably.

"It's ok Finn. The word fat doesn't bother me. And I have many younger lovers. Youngest is 18."

"Bet you teach him a thing or two." Finn smiled.

"That I do." She answered with a sinuous smirk.

Finn found himself liking Elsa. It was really easy to talk to her. She was real and honest.

"Can I talk to him?" Finn asked after a short hesitation.

"No, he's currently gagged." She drew heavily on her cigarette and flicked the butt across the road.

Finn blinked a few times and looked everywhere but at Elsa who started to laugh.

"Ok. I'll take pity on you." She laid a hand on his arm and looked him in the eye, "You came over here, to talk to me, to see if I had a young, thin, male lover. So that you could talk to him? Now it might surprise you to know…" She took her hand of his arm and produced some cigarettes from between her breasts and lit one. "That not only am I off my face, but I actually know what you want. Someone called you a member of the cellulite brigade?"

Finn looked blankly at her.

"A feeder?"

"I don't know what that-"

"A chubby chaser?"

"Yeah!"

"Ah, there we go.' She raised her eyes to heaven, "Oh society, is there no one you can't try to fuck up? It happened tonight?" She said nodding at his wet and bloody shirt. He nodded and let his fingers fidget with each other self-consciously.

"Why do I feel so shitty about it?" He asked softly, feeling shame fill his body. He bit the inside of his cheek and found that he couldn't look at her.

"Cos it fetishizes Rae."

"I don't know what that means."

"It's like a sexual stereotype, you know like," she shook her head as she searched for some stereotypes, "like Asian girls are obedient or redheaded girls are feisty." She pulled a face of distaste at the whole idea and Finn found himself already knowing what she was about to say, "well fat girls are desperate, can suck cock real good, cos you know, we're so good at putting things in our mouths, like food…. Get it… it's so funny." She nodded sarcastically and Finn chuckled, "Fat girls are the ones you can treat mean cos they know they can't get any better. Fat girls are desperate for male attention, so it's easier to get their pants off."

"Rae's pants weren't easy to get off."

They laughed together for a moment and she offered Finn the cigarette, he took it.

"I have a feeling that you understand, on some level, that quite often women are treated like they are nothing but bodies." Finn nodded and she took a deep breath before she began to speak again, "girls are taught from a very young age that how we look is the most important thing about us, and the media and society tells us how our body is supposed to look, and it's usually a very narrow definition of beauty." Her face betrayed her frustration and anger, "And if you don't fit into that, it's kinda hellish."

"I'm starting to understand that."

"But it's not just girls who get these fucked up messages, boys get told what to find attractive, and if you deviate too far from that definition, people think you're sick – you have a fetish. You can't just like Rae for who she is, including her body. You must like her body only. Cos she's a girl and that's all girls are. So you must have a fetish for her kind of body. It's bullshit of course, but since when has something being bullshit stopped the majority of people from believing it?"

"I hate it."

"Well then Finny you can join my destroy society group."

He couldn't help but smile at that. She lit another cigarette.

"I'm supposed to be giving up." She looked at the cigarette, "they're killing my singing voice." She smiled and looked with a kindly eye at Finn. "You've asked me a couple of questions. Can I ask you one, answer honestly?"

"Yeah."

"Do you wish Rae were more like me?"

Finn blushed and looked away.

"I don't mean looked like me, or was as much of a sexual pervert as me, but had my confidence, my self-esteem?"

"I like Rae the way she is. But…"

"But it kills you to see her hate herself?" His upper body heaved as the emotion of that realisation hit him.

"Yeah." He whispered, "I guess I do want her to change." He felt ashamed of himself.

"You don't want bad change Finn, don't be so hard on yourself." She said as she put an arm around his shoulders. "So this bastard who called you a chubby chaser…"

"I head butted him."

She threw he head back and laughed. Finn had to smile and he felt better after a while of watching her laugh.

"Why?" She asked eventually drawing heavily on the cigarette again.

"I dunno."

"You just have to not care what people think about you."

"I don't care what people think about me. I'm worried what it does to Rae."

"Ah. And there's the problem isn't it?" She smiled enigmatically, "I'll try to help Rae get a positive body image Finn, as I'm sure you will too. But no matter how good it gets, there will still always be days, for the rest of her life, when she won't want to look at herself in the mirror. There'll be days when some shit-stain will say something and it'll knock her confidence." She looked him in the eye, "And it will never stop hurting you to see her like that. Never."

Finn lowered his eyes, knowing that she was right.

"And you will always have to fight to get her through those moments. For the rest of your life… or at least for the rest of your time with her." She flicked the cigarette butt across the road and stood up.

"Finn… you need to have a really good think about whether you can handle that, as well as any other things she's got going on, before you go any further in this relationship." She paused for emphasis and Finn felt his body get heavy with misery. He nodded, knowing she was right.

"Rae deserves to be happy, and if you let her fall in love with you, let her believe that she can rely on you, let her learn to trust you, knowing that you can't handle all of this… you're not doing her any favours." She looked sad and shook her head.

"It won't help her to have you and then watch you leave her because you can't handle her world." She stood closer to him as he sat on her garden wall.

"Finn, look at me." He looked up, "if you can't handle her world, you should leave her now, not later. Before she feels too much for you. That would be the kindest thing to do. Understand? And then she can find someone that can handle her world. You need to think on that. Be sure either way. Ok?"

Silence.

"Yeah."


End file.
